One of the things that has been difficult for me since deconversion is the loss of foundation for my life. I’ve felt unstable, like I was floating without meaning, longing for that sense of support I used to feel. In recovery, I’ve done inward and outward searches looking for some form of spirituality to replace it. Both searches have been insightful in their own way, but have ultimately left me in the same position I was before I started. Confounded and aching.
I started with journaling an authentic search of myself – identifying my values, what I would desire from spirituality if I could have anything I wanted, what I can’t tolerate. At the same time I was exploring different perspectives – deism, atheism, Buddhism, Hinduism, humanism, New Age and anything else I came across. I found aspects of many perspectives appealing, but nothing that satisfied. And I couldn’t go backwards. That bridge had burned and I couldn’t rebuild it even if I wanted. Back to square one.
Then, the other morning it drifted through my mind and kissed my perspective. Something so transcendent it supersedes a need for spirituality, mysticism or the supernatural. A thing so self-sufficient, it needs no foundation. Not enshrouded by dogma. Bound by neither rules nor religion. So simple and obvious I felt embarrassed I hadn’t realized it before. This is what everyone has been talking about. Something I thought I knew of which I had little comprehension.
Love. Just simple and practical and pure love. Seriously – I’m so damn moved I’m waxin’ philosophical!
A new vision of love is forming in my mind and with it, a new sense of meaning and purpose. Understanding shared, empathy expressed, connection felt. Childlike laughter, delight in another’s self-expression, treasure of the magic in each moment. Sacrifice. Self-acceptance, communication of respectful boundaries, pain experienced with authenticity and care – How realistically achievable is all this? – That’s beside the point. I am not discouraged by the disparate distance between me and this ideal. I’m inspired to pursue it.
It is enough, more than enough. Maybe I’ll find peace after all.